When Being an Independent Woman Goes Wrong

I’m a huge fan of independence and standing up for what you this is best for you. Making decisions about your life based on what you think is best and not always giving in to your partner is the way to go. Having said that, when you enter a serious relationship, or even marriage, the decisions you make will now have an effect on the other person’s life as well.

That compromise includes consulting your partner about decisions that will affect him or her. This in no way makes you weak or co-dependent. Discussing things with your partner before making a decision is just the smart thing to do.

So in the interest of helping your smarts along, here are six key things you should definitely talk to your sweetie about before diving in;

Birth control

Whether it’s going on or off birth control, or getting your tubes tied, any moves that affect your ability to get pregnant should definitely be discussed with the other part of your partnership. It may be your body but if you’re having intimate relations they definitely have a vested interest.

The Leftovers

Why anyone would want to eat three days old Chinese takeout is a mystery, but apparently some do. Guaranteed that the minute you throw it out, they’ll want it. The moral here; if it’s not yours ask the owner before throwing it in the garbage.

Key purchases

Even the Rockefellers and the Hiltons know that it’s just a smart relationship move to discuss buying big ticket items like cars, boats or houses with your sweetie. Unless it’s an anniversary surprise, in which case no discussion is required!

Bringing home new family members

I know how tempting it is when you’re picking up fish food at the pet store and the evil puppy adoption people are there, breaking your heart with those little faces. Or, you know, when you’re volunteering at a refugee camp between filming movies and your life partner is hanging with the other kids and you see this orphan who just melts your heart? I know how it is. But really, don’t bring home any new family members without the okay of your pre-existing family member.

Getting a tattoo

Anywhere on your body that has their name in it. That’s all.

Wiping out the Tivo

Just because you think he or she watched the most recent Curb Your Enthusiasm doesn’t mean they actually have. This is a fast track to World War III, my friends.

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4 Tell Tale Signs To Spotting A Lie

I would say it might be the single most frustrating thing in a relationship when you suspect your partner is lying to you. No, I take that back. That’s the second worst thing. The worst thing is when you know they are lying but they still won’t admit it. Sigh.

I hope that all of you coupled-up folks out there are not having to deal with this but instead have evolved past the need for petty lies and are rejoicing happily in the bright, sunny fields of mutual respect, love and honesty.

It would be more accurate to say that in the real world our normally perfect and wonderful partners have a couple of drinks too many on occasion, and that makes them do stupid things like make out with strangers at a bar. To top it off, they lie to us about it. If you need a little help in figuring out whether or not your partner is lying or you’re just paranoid, keep reading.

1. He/She repeats what you said

When your partner simply repeats your words back to you, it’s a tell tale sign that he or she is not being completely honest with you. This stall technique is a classic and give him or her more time to make up an answer they think you will believe. You probably remember doing the same thing in school when the teacher asked you a question that you didn’t know the answer to. Didn’t work then either, did it?

2. Check their eyes

When it comes to pulling of a lie, eyes are the liar’s biggest giveaway. If someone is inherently truthful, telling a lie is not a natural thing to do. It makes one anxious and the liar will want to avoid looking the person they’re talking to in the eye. Chances are your partner will look anywhere but directly into your eyes when spinning his or her latest yarn. If their pupils are dilated it’s a double whammy.

3. He/She is inconsistent

Here’s a stupid scenario that is repeated time and time again. Your partner, the love of your life, went out for a night on the town with the boys (or girls as the case may be). And you have solid proof that he or she was misbehaving. When asked, your idiot partner, who obviously thinks you’re brain dead, keeps changing his story every time it’s told. Now here’s the thing. Even if we’re stressed we’re not going to forget the truth

In fact, if someone is being honest, they are much more likely to really hammer in the same facts, over and over, in an attempt to make you understand. If his/her account of what did or didn’t happen is turning into a shape-shifting story, it could very well be made up.

4. Overly defensive

This one can be tricky; if you go on the attack the response will be a defensive one which will make your partner look guilty even if he or she isn’t. If however you use a reasonable tone and the level of defense is out of proportion that could be their guilt swimming to the surface. Closely related to being too defensive is the use of language that is overly convincing.

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Are You Already Single Again In Your Mind?

We’ve all been there: that weird little limbo between “together” and “broken up”, when two people kind of know they have problems but are not yet at the point of wanting to admit that they want out.

“In between” time can be a time of strange thoughts. Though the two of you present a pretty normal couple face when you’re out in public, the thoughts in your head are definitely not for public consumption. Let’s take a look.

While you’re going through the “in between” stage, your detachment from your partner becomes greater and greater. As that distance lengthens, your thoughts change from one of being part of a couple to one of a single person.

Here are 3 signs to look for. If you notice these behaviors in yourself, it might be time to have an uncomfortable talk with your significant other, before you really start acting like a free agent.

1. You find yourself checking out other people

And you aren’t just scoping for fun, either. If you’re actually looking at people other than the one you’re technically with and thinking about approaching them, fantasizing (even just briefly) about what it would be like to be with them instead, or even weighing your options with other people against what you already have; these are all pretty solid signs that you’re mentally checking out of your current relationship.

If you spend considerably more time contemplating other potential love matches lately, it’s not hard to deduce that you might not me satisfied with what you’ve got.

2. You fantasize about alone time

Remember those times when you would have a killer day at work and all you could think about what sneaking away and snuggling up with your sweetie? And if recently, when you have a similarly hard day, it seems like just another “thing” to “deal with” to have to leave work and go be part of a relationship, you might find you’re wishing for “me time” instead of “us time”.

I’m a big fan of always having adequate alone time, even in the happiest of romantic situations, but if you find that your comfort no longer is in the arms of your lover, you might want to reconsider what you’re still doing there.

3. You make plans without him/her

There was a time, not too long ago, that thoughts of breaking up were the farthest thing from your mind. All your plans, whether they be immediate or more long term, included the two of you; smiling and happy.

But now your relationship has hit a pothole. You realize that as a couple you actually are breakable and your future is looking less and less certain. If you’ve reached the point of no return, then any plans you’re making now are probably just for you, and don’t include your partner. If that’s the case, your mind has been made up for you.

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He Really Is Into You

Often when we meet someone new we go into overdrive trying to decode their every word and movement. It’s a mind numbing game trying to figure out whether or not they actually like us.

What I can’t figure out is why we do this to ourselves. I’m no exception. As a relationship writer I’ve spent hours doing relationship self analysis. And I’ve concluded that fretting about a man’s emotions is just too much hard work. It needn’t be though.

Provided you’re not receiving totally mixed signals from him, you should just follow your instincts in determining whether or not he’s smitten with you. You can go analyze this to death of you want, but what it comes down to is what you feel deep down. Chances are your intuition about his feelings is probably spot on.

However, for those of you who still want to read into things, here is a quick “he loves me, he loves me not” cheat sheet. And hey, if all else fails and you still find yourself confused, just ask him.

His friends know about you

When you meet his friends for the first time, and you’re not a surprise to them, that’s a good thing. It means he’s talked about you with them. If he wasn’t really interested in you, he wouldn’t have bothered mentioning you.

He calls to hear the sound of your voice

I would say something about calling the day or two after you first go out but sadly, even the most intrigued and smitten of men can still fall prey to that old notion of having to wait several days to call a woman.

Most men do wait a few days before calling a woman they’re interested in. If he doesn’t call, don’t despair. Unless you hear from him on a Friday night at 11 pm because then it’s all about the booty call. If that’s all you want, that’s fine. Just remember, booty call guy isn’t likely to want to join you for Sunday night dinner with your parents. Aside from calls like this, should he call you in the next week or so to set up another date; he’s interested.

He really listens

When men are interested in someone, they really do want to be just a little bit romantic. And they know that the best way to accomplish that is by knowing things about her. All of which means he’s really listening to you when you talk about your likes and dislikes. After all, he needs the facts before he can plan his romantic assault.

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The Romantic Whirlwhind

Even if that has not happened to you, you’ve probably read a book or two, or perhaps you know someone that this has happened to. A head over heels love at first sight meeting. And it didn’t stop there. Oh no! They did something drastic like getting married while riding elephants at the zoo or running away to Brazil. I know, you’re sighing and thinking “that’s so romantic!”. But is it really?

I’m of two minds about this one, probably because I’ve been there. In my younger, yet equally head strong, days, I completely lost it over a man who was 15 years older than me. We’d been dating for just three months when in a flurry of emotion I sublet my amazing apartment, packed my bags and moved in with him.

What happened next was the stuff of nightmares not romantic dreams. He attacked me. Though I’m kind of glib about it now, at the time I felt like my world had fallen apart. Not only was I loveless, I was homeless. And on top of all that, I’d started to doubt my own abilities about feelings and instincts. It happened so suddenly and so intensely it was as though I was watching myself in a movie.

It’s easy now to look back and say that I should have been more careful about would could lie ahead. But considering that I made it out alive, even if I could do things over I’m sure that I would do the same thing again. Putting a buffer on your heart also puts a buffer on the amount of emotion you get to go through. And life is nothing without love and emotion.

The reasoning behind leaping before looking is really not very complicated. You can’t have all the good without risking getting some of the bad. And they don’t sacrifice the good for the sake of saving themselves from the potential bad. Doing otherwise could leave you with nothing more than middle ground. Life’s just too short to not risk some extremes from time to time.

That said, there is another side to this coin. So maybe I really am all about following your heart, even if it’s leading you to some unexpected places off of your chosen path. But there’s a difference between having a chance encounter with someone amazing who ends up being a once-in-a-lifetime, drop everything and go for it lover and being someone who habitually thrives on the drama of falling in and out of love.

Like everything, there are two sides to this debate. Sure, I’m all in favor of following one’s heart, especially if it leads you to some unexpected places away from your chosen path. But there is a world of difference between being someone who has a chance encounter with someone amazing and someone who makes it a habit of thriving on the drama of falling in and out of love.

If it makes some people happy to live like this then that’s all well and good. What isn’t okay is the mess they leave behind when they, once again, pull up stakes. When one sets up a life, others get pulled into that life; friends, coworkers, lovers, neighbors and pets. When the next “soulmate” comes along and they drop everything, they’re leaving a lot of people in their wake who are going to be missing them when they’re gone.

When love does come along quickly and intensely it’s just too good a thing to pass up. If you’ve been around the block a time or two, and add a dollop of good luck, you just might have learned how to protect your life, without having to sacrifice any of the amazing feelings that go along with it.

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Do What You Say

One of life’s most wonderful, and complex, mysteries is Love, with a capital L. Since the beginning of time, the sexes have argued. Men protest that they simply don’t understand the female sex. Women on the other hand claim that men are insensitive. It’s a no win battle. And there is one particular complaint that almost all women have in common.

One thing that has always baffled me about a certain percentage of the male species is their apparent inability to carryout promises that they make. Correction, the inability to follow through with promises that they make to a woman. For example: A guy may tell you that he will call you at a certain time, and more than likely he has no intention call you at all. In addition, he may also state that he will come by to see you at a specific time, or make plans with you to do something, and when the time does come he is nowhere to be found.

The mystery surrounding this apparent lack of sensitivity is really quite puzzling not to mention annoying. The more curious and inquisitive women will demand to know why. Others just stew in silence, but they stew nonetheless. All differences between the sexes aside, there is no excuse for this apparent lack of sensitivity.

Does it all come down to the fact that having to let a woman know they’re running late or have had a change of plans remind them of having to report to their mothers when they were little? Well here’s a news flash for the fellows; it has nothing to do with wanting to know where you are twenty four hours a day. Rather, it’s simple concern. We worry when you don’t call as expected.

Any men who might be reading this would probably say that women nag or bitch, when in fact they know that women’s comments on this matter are justified. They know that what women are saying applies to them; they’re guilty as charged.

We’re all familiar with the phrase “the truth hurts”. It’s true, the truth can hurt, and it hurts just as much when a man promises to do one thing and then turns around and does the exact opposite. How can men honestly believe that that’s okay? It goes to the question of respect. If you’ve ever been stood up, regardless of your sex, you know how painful this is.

Good relationships begin with trust and honesty. This means that when involved with someone no matter on what level, love or friendship you should try never to hurt their feelings on purpose. Realistically we know that all relationships have problems, but why create something that is not there?

So fellas, take this advice: A phone call, an email, a text or visit as promised is wonderful. It would be nice to know if we could count on it. Remember however, if you are not able to make it, let the lady know. This small precaution will demonstrate to her that she is in fact important to you. It may even prohibit you from losing what could be the most important thing in your life.

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Reconciling With Your Ex

Whenever I break off a relationship I go into a “they don’t exist anymore” mode for a while. This gives me the time I need to cry, eat chocolate and gain weight, lose that weight, cry some more and curse them to hell and back. Then and only then can I make peace with the pig, err, I mean, that wonderful person who I don’t want anymore.

Okay, it’s not a perfect system. Another reason I do this ignoring dance is to give myself ample opportunity to work through the “I want him back” feelings. Because I don’t usually give up without a fight so if we broke up for real, chances are there was a really good reason why.

This doesn’t work for everyone. During the ignoring and grieving time, some people come to the realization that what they really want is their partner back! This can be a tricky proposition, and you have to realize that sometimes it’s going to be impossible.

What are you reasons for wanting him or her back?

The “I want him/her back” feelings mentioned a few paragraphs back can be really frustrating. They play on your heartstrings and lead to you making all kinds of excuses for the problems the two of you were experiencing prior to the breakup. Now’s the time to be brutally honest with yourself. If loneliness or sadness is behind the “I want him/her back” feelings, forget about it; it’s never going to work. If you’ve had a genuine change of heart, that’s a different matter altogether.

Take some cooling off time

The fact is you broke up. Even if your super confident that your ex will welcome you back no questions asked, you both just went through an emotional roller coaster. It’s all fine and dandy that you want to patch things up, but you need to take however many days or weeks you need to lick your wounds. You want to start with a clean slate and you’ll both need mended hearts to do so.

Stay calm

Another good reason for giving yourself some time to cool off is to give your emotions a chance to settle before you start your reconciliation talks. He or she has had time to really miss you and you want to present your best and your calmest front, not the crying, screaming weepy mess you were a few weeks ago.

When you see each other again you want to be at your best. Actually, if you want to get back together, you want to be at your super best! The sad, unhappy person you were the last time you saw each other is not who you want to be. That persona will only bring back all that break up drama.

Get ready

You also need to get ready and be prepared for any reaction from your ex. The answer might be yes, it might be no. If it’s a yes, they want you back too, you need to be prepared to follow through on whatever promises you make. Whether it’s quitting smoking or seeing a shrink or learning how to cook. If you’re not absolutely sure about this beforehand, then don’t even bring it up.

If there’s a possibility of a no, brace yourself! It all depends on the circumstances of the break up, and the two people involved. If you do get shot down for round two, keep your composure. Remember, you’ve already survived a few weeks on your own, so don’t let this turn down get you down!

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Don’t Let Facebook Ruin Your Relationship

I have friends all over the world and I keep in touch with them via Facebook. Recently I viewed a video that one of them had posted called ” Don’t Let Facebook Ruin Your Relationship”. While it was funny, it was also kind of sad.

As the couple in the video ranted and raved about each other’s Facebook activity and who they “talked” to, it became clear that they each spent a considerable amount of time checking up on each other. Perhaps they were worried that their partner was involved in internet dating or something similar.

After watching the video, it had me thinking about something. While social networking is fun and you can get back in touch with old friends and colleagues that you may have lost touch with, has it gone too far with privacy issues?

Along with this video, there have even been instances where an employee posted a rant about their boss on their social page and unfortunately the boss saw it and the person was soon dismissed from their job. So not only are people getting in trouble with their relationships, but some are getting trouble on the job and even losing their jobs.

Now I cannot say this is all the fault of social networking sites. We all have to have common sense when posting sensitive information. You cannot flirt with someone else on your page knowing that your partner might see it. As well, it might not be a good idea to say you hate your boss and post it for the world to see.

Let’s face it, some things just shouldn’t be said on a social networking site. If people need a reminder of that, perhaps sites like Facebook could post a disclaimer or a reminder. Though I don’t imagine it would do much good; some people just don’t know when to shut up!

The fact is that social networks are nothing more than a means of communication. Judging by the number of people that belong to them they’re a very successful communication medium. But that’s all they are; a means to an end.

You can even network and maybe land a job by talking to the right person at the right time. One thing to keep in mind is that these sites are not called social networking sites for nothing. The same social etiquette you use when meeting people in person apply online. Don’t allow your frustration or curiosity while social networking to ruin your career or your love life.

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