Exploring The Options For Marriage Counseling Books
June 28, 2010 by Sabrina Summerfield
Filed under Dating Tips
It’s pretty clear, if you drive a car, that to keep it running you have to change the oil periodically. Although this seems clear to everyone, apparently it’s much less clear to people that you need to periodically “change the oil” on your marriage – in other words, marriage requires maintenance. One convenient and effective way to help maintain (and improve) your marriage is to consult marriage counseling books. Something so valuable as a marriage is worth the time and money that it takes to buy and read the book. This little investment can prevent a nasty and painful divorce.
As far as marriage counseling books are concerned, it’s not necessary to go with the latest fad. There are a number of classics that are just as valuable today as when they were first written. After all, the issues that today’s marriages face are essentially the same as those faced by Adam and Eve: love, respect, finance, raising children, and so on.
One classic book that I like is “His Needs, Her Needs”. It was written by Willard F. Harley, Jr, a practicing psychologist. He focuses on the fact that husband and wife have differing needs. These needs are so different that it’s often the case that the husband doesn’t even realize that he is not meeting his wife’s needs, and vice versa. According to Dr. Harley, men’s greatest need is usually sex, which should come as no surprise. For women he ranks affection first, which is something many men find it hard to deliver. In summary, Dr. Harley’s encourages the husband and wife to make loving accommodations for each other’s differing needs, even if it requires some self-sacrifice.
An alternative marriage counseling book is “Getting the Love You Want,” which takes a very different approach. The author is Dr. Harville Hendrix, a practicing therapist. Dr. Hendrix personally experienced a divorce, and as a result has a great empathy and understanding for other couples in trouble. According to Dr. Hendrix’ view, our attraction to our spouses is based on subconscious reasons that we aren’t even aware of. He states two main reasons as follows. First of all, we find people attractive when they have both the positive and negative traits of our parents (or childhood caretakers). Second, we find people attractive who make up for the things we missed during childhood. The upshot is that we often get married with the expectation that our husband or wife will be the parent-figure that we always wanted, and who will give us what we missed out on during our first childhood.
Although I don’t agree totally with Dr. Hendrix, I did enjoy reading the many case histories he cites to support his arguments. One of these involves John, a dull businessman (in his own words), who fell head-over-heels for Cheryl because she was emotionally expressive. However, although this attracted John to Cheryl at first, very soon he became overwhelmed by her outbursts.
Whichever book you choose, I urge you not to avoid or put off consulting marriage counseling books. There is no relationship more precious than marriage, and it’s impossible to invest too much care into making it great.
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Learning to co-operate with each other to find solutions for problems together.Learning to understand each other’s thoughts and see things through their points of view.
Excellent write up. Very useful info.
It is true that “there is no relationship more precious than marriage.”
I used to tell my clients that marriage is a unity in diversity. Hence, lot of adjustments, support, coping skills, etc. will be required in order to counter potential personality clashes due to the diversities. Any book in the area of marriage counseling would be helpful, no doubt.